


I Want You to Live

by Deans_Fetish



Series: I Want You To Live Series [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Children, Angst, Based on video by Herebutnotremembered, Bottom Sam, Dean Winchester POV, Implied Relationships, M/M, Original Character Death(s), Swearing, Top Dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-05-29
Updated: 2010-05-29
Packaged: 2018-09-07 06:39:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8787571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deans_Fetish/pseuds/Deans_Fetish
Summary: Sam and Dean have what seems like the perfect life, a normal life. Two sons, a house, each other and no more hunting. One fateful night that all gets ripped away.





	1. Chapter 1

Names Dean Winchester, those two over there, [nods toward two boys playing on playground] those are my sons. Johnny and Jimmy, well, not Jimmy anymore, he wants to be called Sammy now. [smiles sadly]

So you want to hear about the fire, huh? [nods and looks away toward the kids, then back] Yeah, okay, I can tell you about that.

See, Sammy, my Sammy and I we kinda started...[shrugs slightly] a relationship...  
and well, after a while, after Sammy got me out of hell... [pauses at the question asked of him and smiles] yeah, he got me out alright. [shakes head] He could surprise me sometimes. [nods, rubbing hands together nervously, then looks up at the question] Sam?

You don't know? [sighs and looks down sadly, picks up a peddle and tosses it] Yeah, I said _could_ surprise me, because well... he's dead. [voice raw as he speaks again] He died the night of the fire. [looks back toward the kids again and waves to one of the boys, who looks an awful lot like Sam. Looks back] Yeah, well, the story of how he got me out needs to be saved for another time if you want to hear about the fire. [clears throat]

Well, like I said, Sam and I started a relationship and well, you know how Sam always wanted a normal life... I couldn't deny him anything, so [hands open wide before him as he looks at the ground] We pooled our money, all the money we could and we got ourselves a house. Decided to have a family. [looks up frowning, and nodding] Went to one of those [rubs fingers together looking for the word] sperm mixing thingy places. We told them we wanted kids, our own.

Well, they set us up with cold storage Cathy and bada-boom, bada-bang, little Dean or Jonathan Dean as his name really is, was born.  
Sam and I decided right off to name him after our Dad, so that wasn't an issue.  
[sighs and shrugs] Well, Sam... [smiles slightly] Sam wanted to be sure he had my name... but the family name is Jonathan Dean [shrugs] so that was easy.  
We call him Johnny cause well, our Dad is John and I'm Dean [gives charming grin] so, the kid didn't have much of a choice really. [shrugs] unless he wants to be JD or something. [shrugs]

Anyway, we brought him home and a few years later after we had talked about it, we thought that Johnny should have a brother, like Sam had a brother, I had a brother... [nods and shrugs] So, we went back to cold storage Cathy and well, little Jimmy was born. The boys are four years apart. [nods and smiles slightly, glances over at the kids before looking back] His name is actually James Samuel. I tried to get Sammy to let us name him Sam, but he was adamant that we weren't going to torture another human being with the name Sammy. [grins and shrugs] I dunno what's wrong with it. It's not like I said Francis. [snickers and reaches down, tosses another pebble.] So, there we are, one big happy family. We aren't hunting anymore. Yellow eyes is dead and well, I'm out f hell, and we got the boys. [glances over at them] Sam [shakes head] he wouldn't let us move them around hunting. So, there I am, a family man. Me, my two boys and my Sammy. [smirks slightly and shakes his head] Everything was perfect. [voice lowers, choked] Better then perfect. 

[head hangs for a moment as he fights back tears, then looks up taking a deep breath] and then the fire happened. My first thought was that a demon, some demon like yellow eyes was after my Sammy again, or one of our boys. [shakes head] But, it was just a fire. [hangs head and whispers] _just a fire._

Sam and I were downstairs, watching TV the boys were in bed, Jimmy in his crib.  
Sam and I must have fallen asleep on the couch. We had this huge ass couch. [huffs] The thing had to be livin' with Sasquatch; he wouldn't fit on a normal couch. [shakes head, smiling softly, fondly] Anyway, we had been watching TV and fell asleep; we woke up to the alarms going off and smoke filling the house downstairs. We ran up the stairs, I went and grabbed Jimmy while Sam went to get Johnny. 

Jimmy's room was closer to the stairs than Johnny's [looks down and shakes head] (the guilt I feel about that is enough to swallow me alive most days) I should have gone to Johnny's room. I shouldn't have let Sam go there. [looks up]  
It was still my job to take care of Sam. It was always my job and I blew it. [voice choked, takes a deep breath, swallowing hard. Fighting back the lump in his throat.] (My Sammy. I should have protected my Sammy like I promised Mom.)

I ran from Jimmy's room took him outside to the Impala, put him in his car seat. [licks lips and runs a hand down his face] When I came back in, Johnny was at the foot of the stairs, crying for his damn toy, the one he always slept with... [shakes head] and Sam was no where to be found. (A god damn toy! And Sam, who could never tell those kids no had went back to get it!) [turns head away, trying to hide the tears filling his green eyes] The fire was out of control already. It had spread, was coming down the stairs. I yelled for Sam as I grabbed Johnny and ran out the door, ran him out to the Impala too. It was while I stood there, trying to calm him down (trying to get through to him that I needed to go in there and get Sam and not some damn toy!) that there was an explosion upstairs. [lifts hand and wipes at the tears that are falling freely now] The fire department was there now. [shakes head] I don't even know who called them, but they were there. 

I wanted to go back in after Sam, but they told me to stay with my kids. When they brought Sam out he - [swallows hard] his face was dirty, his hair clung to his face, his clothes were wet. (I can see him in my head. Can see the way he looked as they carried him off on the stretcher. I see it every time I close my eyes.) [shakes head] He actually thought to try to get his clothes wet as he fought to get out. They said they found him in the hall near the stairs. (Near the fucking hall! He was trying to get out!) [takes in a shuddering breath] If I had just went up those stairs instead of taking Johnny to the car, maybe... [looks away and sighs, reaches down and throws a pebble hard] They took him to the hospital and I couldn't even go with him. I had to take the kids to Ellen's, to the Roadhouse, for her to watch them before I could go there.

[wipes tears and clears throat] So, I drop the kids off, give them each a kiss and tell Ellen I'll be back when I can and I'm outta there. I'm driving like a mad man to get to the hospital. [licks lips and shakes head] I don't even remember the drive really. (All I could see was Sam on that stretcher looking more dead than alive.)

I get to the hospital and I don't even park the damn car. [voice raised slightly, voice deeper, then he looks over his shoulder at the kids and sighs. Head falls as he clasps his hands together in front of him. Voice is softer when he speaks again] I walk in and I'm yelling at everyone I can find, asking where Sam Winchester is. [scoffs] You'd of thought I was asking them where the boogeyman lived the looks I was getting. 

Finally, finally some nurse comes running up to me, or hell maybe she was a doctor, I dunno. She tells me the room and I get there and I stop dead in my tracks as I see him. (there's more damn tubes in him then I think I've ever seen on a person. And that damn heart monitors is beeping a hell of a lot slower than I think it ought to. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped at the sight of him. At least it felt that way, ached like a sonuvabitch. Worse than when yellow eyes was squeezing it.)

[licks lips and closes eyes, taking in a slow breath] I went to his bedside. I stayed there every second that I could. (Cried like a damn girl too)

Finally, sometime the next morning Ellen called me to see how Sammy was doing. I told her there was no change. [sighs and looks away] She asked me if I could come home, spend time with the kids, they were scared, needed me.

[sighs and runs hand through short clipped golden brown hair] I went. I told them that if there was any change to call me right away and I left. Went and got my boys, took them to McDonald's for breakfast [shrugs] so they were happy. Then we went and I got a motel room for us [shrugs] there was no where else for us to go. [sighs] (I never should have left. I should have told Ellen I couldn't leave... something.)

We sat there, laughing and eating and my cell rang. [breath catches in his throat as hands clench into fists so tight the knuckles turn white, shaking slightly, eyes closed tightly, lips in a thin line before he whispers out] He was dead. He died while I sat there laughing and eating breakfast with our boys. (I think I'm going to throw up again.)

[green eyes open slowly as hands slowly unclench from fists. Looks up, words whisper soft] My cell...[shakes head] I dunno, found it on the floor later. I puked up my breakfast. The kids were crying, as if they knew. [sighs and shakes head] It was like the moment they told me, something told them. They broke out in tears, I didn't know what to do I needed to get to the hospital, needed to get to my Sammy. I felt like if I got there, I could prove to them that they were wrong that he wasn't dead. He couldn't be dead. [runs hand over face] (I wanted to get there so I could hold him and never let him go) But, I couldn't take the kids, ya know? [shakes head] I couldn't let them see their Daddy like that.

[sighs and sits back against picnic table] I called Jo [huffs and shakes head] Jo of all people...but I knew she'd come. She was there within fifteen minutes bless her, and I was out the door five seconds after that. 

[looks down, then looks back over his shoulder at the kids, just as one runs over to him]  
"Daddy, here. Can you hold this?" Jimmy, or Sammy rather, asks me, handing me his PSP. I nod to him, as I take his PSP and set it on the bench beside me, smiling softly at him and he looks at me for a long moment, tilts his head, as he bites his lip, dimples showing and my heart aches as I see my Sammy in him. "You okay, Daddy?"

"Yeah," I tell him, "I'm okay. Don't you worry. Go play with Johnny."  
He nods to me and smiles before running off. I turn my head to watch him go, smiling sadly, before turning around. "That's Sammy's boy" [shrugs] "Our youngest." I sigh and nod, "He's four now," I have to swallow before I can continue, before I start crying like a girl right here in front of you, "I can't believe my Sammy has been gone four years now." I shake my head, blink away the tears.

[sighs and looks thoughtful] "Where was I?" 

[nods] The hospital, right. So, I go there, and again, I don't think I parked the car, not well anyway. I run through the doors and again, I'm asking for Sam.  
They tell me he's still in his room; they haven't taken him to the morgue yet. (and I almost punch the chick right there) I run down to his room and the damn heart monitor is still on, silenced, but on, and I can see the flat line rolling across the screen. (and my own heart stops as I collapse in the chair next to his bed and sob like a damn girl again) I take his hand in mine and I try to tell him that it isn't funny that he needs to wake up. I told him, "Okay, jokes over Sammy, you got me. You win, wake up now." [shakes head] But he doesn't move and as I sit there I start to realize that his hand is cold. (His fucking hand is cold!) The realization that he's gone hits me so hard I can't breathe, I can't think. (Well, I think enough to grab him and wrap my arms around him and hold him to me as I bawl like a damn fool)

Then they come in and tell me that they have to take him. They have to take him away. (They want to take MY Sammy away from me!)

The lady from before, um, the doctor, comes over to me and puts her hand on my shoulder, tells me it's time to let him go. [scoffs] (Time to let him go, what kind of shit is that?) I sit there looking at them like they've lost their minds... [shrugs] I guess I wasn't thinking... (Hell yeah I was! I was thinking they'd have to pry him from my arms.)

I slowly lay him back on the bed, and this doctor chick walks around to the other side of his bed and asks me if I want her to take the tube out of his mouth. (I stare at her like she asked me for the secrets to the universe) So, I of course tell her yes (no I didn't, I didn't say a damn thing. I don't even know if I knew how to in that moment) and I watch her remove this thing and gag as I watch, because it's this long ass tube. [shakes head and sighs] She tosses the thing in the trash and wipes his mouth with a piece of gauze that I still have no idea where she got it from. She smiles over at me then, like she just brought him back to life or something and tells me she'll give me a couple more minutes with him now, but all she does is walk to the window and look out. (Damn bitch) 

So, here I am looking down at my Sammy for the last time and I have no idea what to say. [voice chokes as lip quivers slightly. Looks away as tears fall]  
I can't do this, I'm sorry; I can't talk about it anymore. [shakes head] I can't.  
(I can see him so clearly, laying there, dead. Just laying there in that hospital bed... the damn heart monitors flat line in the background every time I look up and My Sammy dead before me. Yeah, I am gonna throw up.)

[pulls up and walks to the end of the picnic table, leaning his hands on it, head bowed, taking in deep breaths. Jerks away from the hand laid on his shoulder] “Don't touch me!” [nods, closing eyes, speaks softly] “I'll tell you more.”

[After a moment of silence, clears throat, sniffles slightly] I looked down at him, taking in his features, trying to memorize everything. His slightly slanted eyes, I know the color by heart. The line of his lips, the...the...way his hair falls, the [waves a hand] just everything, (the memory of kissing him, of touching him, of the way he kisses, the way he tastes. I try to remember it all as I look at him, try to put it in a place inside where those memories will never die, never be stolen from me like he was.) 

[takes a deep breath] And then I lean over him and I smooth his hair back from his forehead and beyond the smell of smoke on him, I can still smell his shampoo (that damn berry shit he uses) and I lean down and place a soft kiss on his lips and I whisper to him that I'll see him again one day. (And that I love him so damn much it's killing me right now and that I don't know what I'm gonna do without him. That he's the other half to me, and that without him I'm not whole. Yeah, I was blubbering. My brother, my lover, My Sammy was dead. Sue me!)

[tear filled green eyes look up] And then I lean down, my lips next to his ear, and I whisper to him, so no one else can hear, it's just him and me now, I whisper, 'bitch'.  
[shakes head, pressing lips together, swallows hard and shakes head. Takes a deep shuddering breath, voice is choked with emotion and unshed tears, almost hoarse] But, I don't get a 'jerk' back, I never hear that from him [looks away and swears loudly] I never hear it again. [words softer] Not ever again.

[sniffles and clears throat] I pull back from him just as that bitch is walking back over to us, smiling like there is something to be happy about, and tells me that our time is up. [shakes head] And I swear, I wanted to punch her right then so bad. [clenches hands into fists] But, I nod and step back watching as she covers Sammy's head with that sheet, like he's just some dead body (and not my world).

And then, there are suddenly two other people there as she's clicking the breaks off the table he's laying on and I'm watching them wheel him away and it feels like their taking a piece of me with them. (A piece of my heart because God, it hurts so bad, I think that in a minute they are gonna be wheeling me away too)

I watch them take him into the elevator and then the doors close. [closes eyes and takes a breath] I turned and walked down the hall then. Walked down the hall and into the nearest bathroom and puked my guts out. (and I cried...again.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Dean have what seems like the perfect life, a normal life. Two sons, a house, each other and no more hunting. One fateful night that all gets ripped away.

I come out of the bathroom a while later and there's a guy standing there, leaning against the wall, obviously waiting for me, one of them that took my Sammy away. (the bastard) And I glance at him, but decide that talking to him isn't worth my time and whatever he wants he had better spit it out because I'm outta there.

He follows me to the doors and that's when he finally speaks. He looks at me, and he has the grace to look sad, (Damn well better. Because I am sick to death of all the smiling faces. I see no reason to be smiling) "Hey, man," he says to me, "I know what it's like to lose someone you love. We've got a support group if you want -" and I stop him right there. Because Dean Winchester doesn't need some damn touchy feely support group. (What I need is my Sammy back, god dammit!)

And I tell him, “No! Just stop, alright? Whatever you're sellin' I ain't buyin'. I just lost the most important person in the world to me, so give it a rest, huh?” I say this as I step out the door (I had to get away from him, because the way he was looking at me with all that sympathy and pity, I was about to knock him on his ass). 

I walk out to my car and slide behind the wheel. I think I was just moving on auto pilot, because I still don't remember driving back to the motel.

I walk in and I take one look at the boys and my heart twists again. Jo's there and she's laying a hand on my arm, telling me it's okay that she understands and that she's sorry, but I'm ignoring her [shrugs] for the most part, because I'm walking toward my kids, my eyes are glued to them as I walk over and hug them both to me. (They're all I have left of Sammy. All that's left..)

[sniffles and clears throat, moving to opposite side of the picnic table, one knee on the bench, elbows resting on the top] Yeah, well... it's a long road for us from there. I get the kids and I go to the Roadhouse. Ellen is all hugs and 'I'm sorrys' and Bobby is there and he's no better and I am so sick of everyone telling me how damn sorry they are. (If they are so damn sorry, then do something and bring him back to me!) But, I'm numb now as I look at Ellen and whisper to her that I have to tell the boys. [shrugs] Johnny anyway. 

Jimmy was too young, just a baby, like Sam had been with Mom. He would never know his Daddy, never know the amazing person his Dad was and that, the knowledge of that kills me.

[takes a deep breath] Ellen winds up telling me that me and the boys are gonna stay in the back room of the Roadhouse for a while, until I can get on my feet. (I look at her and wonder if I'll ever be on my feet again) So, after trying to argue and not doing a very good job, especially with Johnny bouncing up and down and screaming about staying with Miss Ellen, I give in and tell her we will.  
She offers to take Jimmy from my arms but I won't let her. I won't put him down.  
(Maybe because he was part of Sam, or maybe because I needed something to hold, I dunno. Maybe both.)

The funeral is a few days later and I stand there, staring at the shiny black coffin, the same color as my Impala. Watching as they lower it into the ground. (I can't breathe, can't do a damn thing but watch the person I love the most become worm food. God dammit) Johnny has a hold of my hand so hard his little knuckles are white and I'm holding Jimmy in my free arm. [laughs harshly and shakes head] I probably looked like a real idiot. But, I don't care, all I care about is that they are shoveling dirt on top of Sam's coffin and I can't turn away, can't leave. (My fuckin' legs won't work. It's like I'm rooted in that spot.) I know Johnny shouldn't see this and I need to get him out of there, but I can't... I just can't. Thankfully Ellen comes up and takes his him, pulls him away from me.

I can hear her talking to him and him yelling at her, but I have no idea what they were saying. [shakes head] Finally, Johnny is gone and it's just me and Jimmy and Sam. [sighs]

I walk over to the grave, as they finish covering him and crouch there, rearranging my hold on Jimmy as I do. (I look at Jimmy and I'm crying, I know I am because his little face is all blurry. And I tell him, “You're Dad was something special, buddy.” Then I look down at the mound of dirt, “I won't let him forget you Sammy. I won't forget you...I promise.”) I smile down at Sam's grave and I tell him I love him, then pull up, shaking my head at the unbelievable shit this is and walk away, walk back toward Ellen and Johnny, Bobby and Jo as they stand a few feet away waiting for me. (And before I get into the car... after I hand Ellen Jimmy, I walk across the street to the woods and I puke again.)

[sniffles and runs hand over face, wipes tears from his eyes and takes a breath]   
A week or so later, we were at the Roadhouse, staying there still, and Ellen and Bobby and Jo come over to me and the boys, tell us that they have pitched in and bought us a house. [shakes head and sighs] I said no, told them I couldn't accept it, but they said it was for Sammy, and all the argument left me.

So, that's how we got the house we have now. [sighs and nods, runs hand over face and shrugs] Of course, now I have to go back to the house, our house, mine and Sammy's. See if there is anything left there that's salvageable. [bites lip and nods] 

So, I go, leave the kids with Ellen and Jo and I go there. I walk in, two boxes in my hands to carry out anything worth a shit. The memories slam into me like a punch to the gut. [sniffles] I had planned to go to the kids rooms first [shakes head] but the stairs are all but gone; the upstairs are a total loss. No way anything up there was left. [sniffles] So, I head down the hall down stairs, to our room. Boards from the ceiling have fallen in and the walls are black with smoke damage, but otherwise, it doesn't look too bad. I walk in and look around (And my heart stops as my eyes fall on different things around the room.) my fucking alarm clock is even still in one piece. [laughs harshly and shakes head] My alarm clock...

I walk in and toss the boxes on the bed, continue to the closet. His clothes hung on one side, mine on the other and I look at them. The first few are clearly damaged, but as I walk in the ones further back seem fine. I start with Sammy's stuff first, [shrugs] I dunno why, (Yes I do, so I can touch something that was his) I just start pulling shirts off hangers and walking back, tossing them into the box, not paying any attention to them. (Telling myself that they are just shirts and to not be such a damn girl) But then my hand lands on my favorite shirt. 

It's the white one he wears, with the dark blue pinstriping. [nods, looking off] (It was kinda tight on him, he just looked so good in it, it was my favorite. 

I remember the last time he wore it. I had ripped the buttons off in my haste to get to him, to have him. He had been standing in the kitchen, leaning back against the counter, hands propped behind him on the counter and he was smiling at me. All dimples and straight white teeth and looking so damn sexy.) 

My hands still on the shirt as I'm carrying it to the box, out of the closet and my steps falter. I slowly bring the shirt up to my nose and inhale. (And it's him. No smoke smell, nothing. Just him. His cologne, his scent that was only Sammy.) It still smelled of him. [nods as he says it]

I ended up tossing the shirt into the box and heading toward the door. [takes in a deep shuddering breath] And that's when I saw the picture.

[licks lips] It's sitting on Sam's dresser and it's still in one piece. The picture Ellen took of the four of us, right after Jimmy came home from the hospital. We're all sitting on the couch looking happier than four people have a right to be. [smiles slightly and tilts head thoughtfully] Maybe that's why this happened. [shrugs]

Sam's holding Jimmy and I have Johnny on my lap and we're all smiles [shrugs and grins slightly] Well, Johnny isn't he's got that look like if he was older he'd be flipping the camera off, but other wise, we all look happy. (and as my eyes travel down the picture of Sam, I notice our hands on the couch between us and I remember it. His fingers are over lapping mine. Our way to touch without looking like we were. [smiles slightly and nods] Yeah, it was a good day. (Looking at it my heart hurts so bad again, I'm sure I'm having a heart attack. So, I start gasping for air like a fool as tears run down my face.) [voice choked and horse, looking down]

I dropped the picture and hurried out of the room, out of the house to my car.  
And as I'm there, by my car, I have to bend over with my hands on my knees to try to get my breathing right again. (because I'm fucking hyperventilating. And then I puked again.) [sighs] I manage to collect myself and go back into the house, and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Going through his stuff, but I finally do. Got the closet all cleaned out...and I make the mistake of going to his nightstand and open the drawer. [shakes head] (fucking girl) He's got all these letters in there... (to me) and there I am kneeling on the floor reading every damn one of them and I just want to die, ya know? [shakes head, wipes at tears that are falling and sniffles] (the little bitch) I pull out the books that he has in there, old hunting books and as I pull to my feet, I flip through them. 

[sighs and clears throat] Yeah... well, I finally have everything cleaned out. [shrugs] Or as much as I can possibly handle doing. (I had thrown every last letter into the box to take with me too. Yeah, so I'm just as much a fucking girl as he is... was... whatever. Sue me!)

We moved into the house after that. The new one that Ellen, Bobby and Jo bought us, and I'm arranging it just like the other one, because I have no friggin' clue how else to do it. [huffs] Damn girly shit anyway. 

One thing, I can't bring myself to do is put out any of the pictures of Sam. [shakes head] I have every one of them, but I just can't put them out yet. (I see him every time I close my eyes, and he's all I think about, I don't need pictures for that.) But, I let the Johnny put his out, and I put one of me and Sam in Johnny's room. [sighs and licks lips] 

As luck would have it; my poor ass luck... my birthday was coming up. And well, there was a package that came to the house a few days later. It obviously had gotten lost for a bit in the mail, had our old address on it.

[runs hand through golden brown short clipped hair and sniffles] Johnny's jumping up and down telling me to open it, open it, and I'm eyeing him, and finally say okay. So, we sit on the floor together and I pull out my knife and rip into this package. Inside the box in a wrapped present with a tag on it. Obviously written in someone else’s hand writing, but they are his girly words. 'To Dean, ‘cause I love you. Love, Sam.' And I suddenly no longer want to open it. (I do, but not with Johnny there as my heart is aching and I feel tears stinging my eyes. But, he isn't moving. Just sitting there in the same position I am, looking from the package to me and back. Stubborn little shit.)

[takes deep breath] (a lot like I did then as I remember it) And I slowly open the package. Inside is a new stereo for the Impala with a CD player and CD's of every one of the songs I have on tape. And there is a note. Again, it's in someone else's writing, but I know they are his words. 'To replace the Greatest Hits of Mullet Rock you have going on cassette. No more cassettes, dude, get with the times.' and then under that in red ink, bigger writing is one word (the word that makes my breath hitch and tears roll down my cheeks.) 'Jerk.'

I get up from the floor and walk from the room. I couldn't just sit there right then.  
(No, I ran from the room, went into the bathroom, slammed the door behind me and puked yet again. [huffs to himself] One thing about losing Sammy, I've also lost weight.)

So, yeah, that's pretty much the story. We go see Sammy every holiday, every anniversary of his death. [looks intent for a moment] And I've kept my promise, I have made sure Jimmy knows who his Dad was, how special he was. And [shakes head] I haven't forgotten him. Never will. (I can still remember the way he feels, the way he tastes, the feel of his soft lips on mine. I can still see all the looks on his face for every occasion. I can see him smile; see that bitch-look he use to give me when I'd push him too far trying to be funny. Yeah, I remember it all. And sometimes, just sometimes, I could swear he walks into the bedroom and I have to roll over and look. Of course, he's never there. But... I can hope.)

Oh, Jimmy? [smiles slightly] Yeah, it was probably about six months ago and we were standing at Sam's grave. I was holding his hand and Johnny was standing there in his little leather jacket frowning at the grave and huffing every few minutes. [grins slightly and shakes head] Jimmy looked up at me and tugged on my arm until I looked at him. He looked at me with that dead serious look Sammy use to get and he said, “Daddy, Daddy Sam is with the angels now (yeah, Sam use to tell them that like our Mother did and I guess I might have mentioned it once or something, I dunno) so, I don't want to be Jimmy anymore, I want to be called Sammy, like my Daddy Sam was.” (I had to cough to cover the sob that choked me as I nodded) So, I told him okay, we could do that if he really wanted to.

[sighs and looks over his shoulder, then walks around picnic table and grabs up PSP] Well, we need to get going. [smiles slightly and steps backward, before turning toward the boys]

“Yo! Boys! Let's go!” I call to them, then whistle long and loud as I turn and start walking toward the Impala, knowing they are following after me.  
I get them in the car and slide behind the wheel, inserting the keys in the ignition and starting the engine before looking up into the rear view mirror at the two of them. “Are my boys buckled in?” I asked them, trying to sound stern.  
I hear, “Yeah, Daddy.” in stereo and nod before looking back out the windshield.

I slowly turn my head and look at the empty passenger seat and fight back the tears as I squint my eyes, because if I really squint and try hard, I can see my Sammy sitting there next to me, smiling at me, dimples showing, his hair hanging in his beautiful eyes. I smile sadly and nod again, before looking back out the windshield and pull out of the parking lot.


End file.
